Dear Thiago, why I only let you play with me when tomorrow is not a work day
Being completely overpowered by a man, knowing that he can overpower me because he is a man
Being fucked and taking on his anger and violence as my own, and hating him for it
but loving him desperately for it, for making me meek, for
forcing demureness
on me.
For making me see
you can’t have one without the other.
Hating myself, because I release blood like a demon, and I touch myself, and now I am covered in blood and I am demonic
both for the release of blood
and for enjoying it, and enjoying myself.
The thrill of the flurry of emotions and I hurricane around the city, and I’m drunk on my own existence,
and I’m a demon then too, and I say it’s love but really I want to possess you through your possession of me
who owns who at that point?
Being afraid of myself, and being afraid of him more, because ultimately I am fragile and I want to love, and he is fragile but he does not want to love—he wants to want me, but when he stops, I am a twig and he can do what he wants.
And we both know it.
And this turns me on, and this turns him on that this turns me on.
He tells me—I knew when it started to hurt.
He tells me—I could have stopped.
He tells me—I didn’t want to.
I tell him stop and he goes harder, and I squeal, and who is destroying who at that point?
I help him with his own destruction.
Tell me, do you understand now?
These emotions that come, this balance of life and destruction. Blood and tears and innocence,
and you destroy my innocence
You think I would not notice, but, it’s me.
It’s my body. You’re inside me. That’s where your cock and your anger and your loathing went, and now I have it.
You gave it to me. That was the point.
You flipped me over and said, “I’m gonna give you my cock.”
I make you mad in ways I do not understand—in ways I may never understand. The fury you keep for yourself all this time—inside for everybody—you keep it special for me. I am the one who gets to see it, when I am the most weak and when you force me to be weak for you
that’s when I see
you at your fullest brute force
and I have to take all of it